Thursday, November 04, 2004

Been too busy to post. Well no the opposite actually, done nothing worth posting about and nowt much happening in the world unless you count some cruddy election where morons get to vote for an imbecile. I've decided I'm going to let it wash over me until they come knocking at my door. Just in case anyone out there is feeling a bit depressed though, I feel I have to share an email from Father Bell. Usually when you get a pile of "funnys" in an email there is the odd amusing one amongst the whole bunch. In this instance they were pretty much all involved in painful tear wrenching laughter. I was going to ration them but what the fuck, now Dubya's back who knows how long we've got.

Here you are then, the best one liners frm the Edinburgh Festival Fringe.

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but Iwas never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "Allright, but we're not going to get much done."

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". Thehardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little see saw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:"This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"

posted by timesnewroman at 10:16 PM  

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